He Wrote Her Story

For years, I sought physical closure. Honestly, I have done this with every aspect of my life. From little heated discussions with my husband, jobs, childhood memories to relationship hiccups in my past. I want answers. I want to know why, how and what I can do to be better the next time. I like for it all to make sense. There is no gray matter, just black and white for me. It is or isn’t. The unknown has always been such a brutal space for me. If it happened, there has to be a reason! If it happened and it was bad, there has to be a way to prevent it from happening again. If it was good, I would like to repeat it. Either way, I have always felt this compulsive drive to know all the reasons why. I admit that I have definitely spent a lot of time pursuing answers to questions that were never asked. A few months ago, I had a God encounter and had to answer for my selfish desires to always understand.

This is how I survived my childhood. I would find myself in compromising and abusive situations, where I was forced to take care of myself. Since this habit was formed in my childhood, it naturally became my adult lifestyle. It is not what I would have chosen, but it is the one life skill that I could depend on and use in a lot of sticky situations as I entered the adult world on my own. It is possible, that it was almost a safe space for me. A space where I could process and find a healthy way to move forward with whatever I had experienced. As I grew up, I learned that some of my experiences were directly attached to my decisions, while many were out of my control and I would learn to choose better… when I could… as the years progressed.

I often sought closure as a chance to grow and almost demanded it from peers, never understanding that in order to grow, I would have to release the need for closure in every situation. There have been some pivotal moments in my life where I have benefited from closure, some where I have longed for closure and others where I have found out that the closure hurt far worse than the actual experience itself.

This world-wide pandemic has thrown our family, like many others, directly into a massive storm. In the month of June, I had not slept well for weeks. My body was tired and and my mind would not shut off before 2am. One night I decided maybe if I removed my daughter from my bed, I could sleep better. As I was carrying her back to where she belonged (HER OWN BED) I heard God whisper, “Just like you have moved her to where she belongs, I have moved you. You don’t need closure, you need me.” My daughters body shivered as I wrapped her blankets around her… her body mirrored what mine felt.

Moved.
Alone.
Cold.
Sometimes afraid.

My mind reeled. What I have felt, while very real, is not what I perceived. As I shifted my perspective, I saw myself over the years. I was not alone, I have been carried. I was moved, for my protection or to simply see that all I need is God himself. I am wrapped up in His wonderful arms, completely safe under the protection of my Master’s wings. Not one step I have taken has been missed by my Savior. His eyes are on me. His heart is for me. Every step has had purpose.

I made my way back to the physical comfort of my bed and God continued to speak into my weary spirit. “Jessica, you are seeking closure to a story that is not over.” I silently cried into my pillow so I did not wake my husband. I have been seeking closure when I should have only been seeking the heart of God.

I can’t help but wonder, how many times did I seek or force closure when God was still writing a story?

Never again. I’m here to learn and grow. I’m here for the pain because I know that I learn so much from my hardest seasons about who God is. He has never let me go. I am now running relentlessly towards the freedom of releasing the idea of closure. Yes, it is good in some situations, but it should never become more important than learning how to trust God despite my circumstances! Ironically, life is giving me all the opportunities to flex this new muscle. I do not need or even deserve a pretty bow on every chapter of my life. In complete surrender, I release my desire for closure and seek only the story God is writing with my life.

Since I write as a form of processing and a lot in the way of journaling, I know I may be alone in a lot of my feelings. I don’t know how these words sit with you. Maybe you read it and you can not relate at all or maybe you were all in and finally feel like you are not alone. My heart for you is that my mistakes highlight areas of your heart that are kindred to mine and you are not afraid to be honest with your Creator, allowing him to heal these spaces in your life, like he is healing mine.