He Wrote Her Story

We slow down for an accident.
We stop for fire.

Before you repeat, judge or hate more, ask why.
Maybe this is what the hurting are crying out for.

When we experience pain, we cry out.
When we cry out, we expect to be heard.
When we are not heard, we fight for it.
This is the human condition.

Trauma causes deep, unfathomable and unexplainable pain. From this place rises anger, uncertainty, grief, depression, anxiety and destruction. Destruction of personal property or not, something has to be destroyed to release the deep rooted anger.

I’m speaking from the perspective of a foster mom, but I promise this applies to so many different situations ranging from rioting, to your spouse losing it over your socks on the floor by the couch. Beneath the surface, we are complex humans built for the glory of God while living in a world entangled by pride, insecurities and so much more.

Take a minute and think about the reason you slow down for an accident on the side of the road, watch the parent struggling to navigate a meltdown in public or watch a burning house. Do you know why? I’ve thought about this and I know that I slow down to observe because I’m curious. You know what they say about curiosity though. It would seem like unchecked curiosity leads to more complications. I want to know how and why. I want to see if I can help sometimes and other times, I am flat out nosey. I love watching the everyday heroes work and save lives. I could people watch for hours and never get bored. We are fascinating on so many levels. I realize though, when I do this, I am not helping. Since I had this lightbulb moment in 2015, I have fought to do the opposite of what I’m instinctively drawn to do. Unless I have the power to stop the fire, save the injured in the car accident or bring relief to the parent or child losing control, I pray and move on.

When we slow down to look at the accident, we actually cause more problems than the actual problem. We slow traffic down behind us and potentially put more people at risk. We have nothing to learn from looking.
When we stop and watch a fire burn, it still burns to the ground. We have changed nothing.
When we watch the parent and child struggling through a brief moment in life, we add anxiety and complex feelings to the already very stressful situation they have found themselves in. No parent wants to be the parent everyone is observing… EVER. Believe it or not, the children notice too and if they had the words to tell us, I’m certain they would describe feeling anxious while being stared at. When a child is melting down in public, it is still very much a private moment between them and their caregiver. I realize as I type this, my strong feelings on this topic are stronger than I thought.

When we talk about another’s painful situation, we should instead practice kindness and self reflection.

• What would we do if we were in their shoes?
• How would we know what the right decision was to make?

If no good answer is readily available, how do we find the answer? Who would help us? If you get this far, you have already forgotten to judge the person or situation that launched this thought process.

From personal experience, most of the decisions that impacted my life negatively can be traced back to trauma. Trauma that was not addressed became little wildfires in my life, some burning me and some burning those who encountered me. Unaddressed trauma begins to manifest in unhealthy ways as you plunge deeper into the pain. It wasn’t until I had a God encounter and then many more moments of stillness in His presence that the hard work of healing was able to be initiated. Sometimes healing is immediate, but often it takes time, patience and work that only you can do for yourself with God’s help and honest therapy with a good therapist. The best therapist in the world cannot lead you to healing if you are unwilling to face the issues that are causing you pain. You have to be willing to choose healing and change.

Children in foster care have often experienced neglect and abuse as normal, every day life. What we recognize as trauma, is actually their “normal”. Can you imagine how hard it is to leave trauma behind for peace, if all you have ever know is chaos? I can tell you that human nature causes us to seek out what we know. If there is no chaos to be found, it will be created. As we learn to live a healthier lifestyle and form healthy attachments, feeling safe becomes the new normal. As my children feel safe, they inevitably start little wildfires and sometimes uncontrollable burns. Little wildfires are generally simple things like defiance or blatantly choosing to disobey to see exactly how I will react. Almost like a pop quiz to determine if I am safe to be trusted. Uncontrollable burns are either a million wildfires or explosive like fireworks. Depending on the day, I’m putting fires out all day. Maybe it’s just emotional meltdowns, sometimes it looks like inflicting pain on others, screaming and yelling, throwing toys, acting out inappropriate or sexual behaviors. When this occurs, you clear the space and remember no amount of foster parent training touches this particular burn, only love will put this fire out. After the fire is finally out, the ashes remain.
It is messy.
It is sad.
It is tedious.
It is sacred work as you begin sorting through what is left behind.
As the smoke clears, you see the heartbreak in their eyes and hear sadness pouring out of their mouths and heart. They have been crying out for help. This is the moment I actually live for, because I finally learn what is bothering and tormenting their thoughts. My heart hurts as I scoop them up and hold them close, but I have a much clearer path to lead them towards reconciling the trauma with the healing they desperately crave.

What would happen if we absorbed all content we encounter with the hopes of becoming better ourselves? I see it often as I have coffee with friends, read social media or listen to people talk, we are regurgitating what we have absorbed. I often experience stress as a foster mom and feel it later in a totally different way. I find myself projecting my issues or stress into a situation where I have no business sticking my opinion. This is the cycle. If this is you too, I do not want you to feel shame in this, it is what culture and our upbringing has taught us to do. I do want you to join me in stopping this mindset and shifting our culture. OH, did you see what happened on the neighborhood page… and just like that we are on the edge of our seats to speculate about what we do not actually know. We say we want more of the feel good stories, so let’s look for opportunities and create them everywhere we go. Leading me back to where I started. Let’s create the world we all desire to live in. I can not tell you how to do these things, but I do know that if your heart skips a beat or is soft towards a topic, start there. We can all be fire fighters, leaving behind fear of the unknown and known to pursue the truest love.

Instead of watching, get involved.
Instead of gossiping, start praying.
Instead of judging, educate yourself.
Instead of hating, choose love.
Instead of talking, listen to learn.
Instead of repeating cycles, break them.

Let’s do better together.